How to keep a Marriage Hot


Many of you may have seen my plea to vote for us on Facebook for the B-Metro/Levy’s Fine Jewelry Valentine’s Day giveaway.  We were selected to be one of 35 couples in the running for an amazing romantic date night package.

I saw the call for entries a couple of weeks ago and applied on a whim.  I didn’t think too hard or long about what to say, nor did I necessarily pay attention to grammar, so I apologize in advance for the snippet you read as part of our entry!!  In the application, I were asked to describe how we met.  I go describe the following:

My hubby and I happened to be a the same Mexican restaurant in DC the night we met.  It was Cinco de Mayo.  He was at a table with at least 6 other women, making them laugh by sucking helium out of a ballon and then talking in a high pitched voice.  Novel, I know. Somehow, it was working and he had them all laughing their tails off.  I kept looking over because their table was SO loud.  We were maybe 10 feet away from each other.  I am certain that my now-hubby thought I kept looking over at HIM, haha, because not long after, he asked the waiter to offer me a drink on his behalf.  At the time, an acquaintance (female, so don’t get it twisted, lol) and I were having dinner.  It was Cinco de Mayo and neither one of us had plans that night, so we decided to go out for an uneventful dinner.

So, the waiter comes to the table with the drink.  I wasn’t accustomed to strangers sending drinks to my table, so I rejected the drink and sent it back!  Haha.  Hubby said he thought to himself, “Who does this chick think she is?!” LOL! His group did look like it was having a great time, so I said to my friend, “Let’s join their party!”.  She agreed and I went over to inquire whether, instead of accepting a drink, he would accept our company instead.  He did and we had a good time with the group.  Turns out they were all co workers and out for the same reason we were:  To have a low-key night out on Cinco De Mayo.

Cut to the end of the night.  My now-hubby asks me to go out to his car with him.  Of course, I’m thinking, ‘oh no, here comes the part of the night where he reveals his serial killer tendencies’!  Of course, he insisted, so I convince my friend to come out with me.   Two of us have a better shot at surviving than one of us alone! He opens his car and reaches into the back.  Here we go, the axe or gun are about to come out!!  But no, instead, he pulls out a Big Bertha golf bag!!  Sigh of relief.  And comic relief at that, for, what are the odds that anyone would have a Big Bertha bag in their car and their name is BERTHA!? Well, and so it was.  So, yes, I gave him my number, haha. My real number too!  We went out on a date about a week later and voila, 15 years later, still going strong.

How to keep yourSO, where’s the part about keeping your marriage ‘chic’ and ‘hot’ you ask??  Gosh, well, I honestly don’t know exactly what advice to give here to be honest.  All of the articles I read talk about ways to keep it ‘hot’ and ‘sexy’ and usually they are suggestions that seem rather lame or that don’t apply to our family dynamic.  For many years, going away for the weekend, for example, was not an option.  We don’t have any immediate family around and I’m one of those people that has a really hard time asking for help from others, so I hate to inconvenience friends with keeping our two crazies overnight.  Side note:  Although our 6 and 2 year olds drive us crazy, we love them unabashedly!

But, I realize now that when kids are in the picture, one has to make marriage a priority, even if only sporadically – because often that is all that kids will allow.  SO, an overnight date night is often the way to do that!  I therefore applied to put our name in the hat for this giveaway and part of the giveaway involves an overnight at a local, hip hotel!  Score! At this point, we don’t seem to be in the running (and likely will not win), but it was the thought that counts, right??  Anyhow, it was my attempt to make our marriage a priority. I am often consumed with life as an academic, as a mother, and as a multi-hyphenate woman aiming to find ‘me-time’ to keep her sanity.  As my husband often reminds me, that usually means that our marriage – and he – come last.  Not on purpose, obviously, but last nonetheless.  He once said to me, “I’m last on your totem pole.”  To which I retorted, “…but at least you’re ON the totem pole!”  Right???  Haha, all goofiness aside, this giveaway entry was my attempt to bring our marriage to the forefront and make it a priority.

I will say, the one thing that has kept our marriage sane, if nothing short of alive, is communication.  Good, bag, ugly: communication – in my opinion – has been the number one reason we continue to chug along to this day.  We both express grievances to each other on a very frequent basis.  Early on, he encouraged me to share what I was feeling, rather than bottling it up and letting it all spill out in the form of a breakdown.  You see, we spent the first four years of our marriage in a long distance relationship.  Shortly after we married, he was deployed to Iraq.  He spent 18 months there and then was deployed to the southeast, while I remained on the west coast trying to finish up my degree.  We had no choice but to talk things out because communication was all we had to keep our marriage alive.

So we talk about things, rather regularly.  Mind you, some of our communication happens over text.  You got that right!  Likely as a consequence of our long-distance relationship status for so many years.  That said, I think it’s somewhat neutral territory if you ask me. There’s no shouting involved (unless you use all caps, in which case, it’s game on, lol!), and both parties get a chance to fully express themselves without having the other interrupt.  I find that settling the hardest parts over text has worked well for us…for years!  As I mentioned in the giveaway entry, we are going on 12 years of marriage this May.  This may not be a good solution for all, but definitely a tactic that has worked well for us.

We are trailing behind at least three other couples (equally if not more deserving than us), but if you want to help our cause and keep us in the running for the overnight date, please vote for us here:


Until next time! Stay ‘Chic’!

3 thoughts on “How to keep a Marriage Hot

  1. Lekki Frazier-Wood says:

    I am so glad you wrote like that. I am sick of advice that just doesn’t work for our dynamic and current life. Cosmo is always insisting that I need to go on dates with my husband (hello? Got a spare $200 lying about? And I would have to pump half way through… sexy… not), or making dates at home if we can’t afford it which just ends up awkward. Like you: we communicate a lot – lots of texts and messages (sometimes even while in the same house – hahahaha) and sending each other pic messages. Right now, life is so crazy with two kiddos and both of us building careers, our marriage has to take a backseat. It’s just chugging along nicely, thank-you-very much. Our best ‘marriage saving’ moments happen randomly – like we end up giggling at youtube videos while I finish pumping or score an afternoon off work together to do the shopping. I am glad yours is the same. Sometimes I think my non-Cosmo marriage is odd to outsiders…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chic in Academia says:

      I’m so glad we are not alone in this! I agree completely; it is increasingly difficult to make marriage a priority when you’re trying to keep so many things afloat, including keeping kids alive, haha. All joking aside, our marriage is definitely not very cosmo-esque. Perhaps one day it will be, for now, we take what few opportunities we get. Mind you, I’m certain hubby would change many a thing about this and forgo a clean/organized home and well-fed children for more cosmo-like escapades, but for now, I think our ‘state of the marriage’ is in a good, compromised state. 🙂


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